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 Something to offend just about everyone

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TheCat
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PostSubject: Something to offend just about everyone   Sat Jun 26, 2010 8:47 pm

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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The-duke66

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:38 am

Some old ones there but all in all pretty good. Laughing cheers
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TheCat
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:21 am


Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Now, Gordon Brown has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

I was so depressed last night that I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Jul 08, 2010 2:15 pm

can you drive a truck?
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The-duke66

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Jul 08, 2010 2:24 pm

Thats not very P C Cat Rolling Eyes
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TheCat
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:34 pm

Frosty - probably

Duke - I'm a PC and posting this was my idea

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:26 pm

Sorry Cat it should offend, Twisted Evil
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The-duke66

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:14 pm

Bill & Ben are in bed. Bill says, "Flubblelubblelubble." Ben says, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that."
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:27 pm

Hahahahaha

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Mon Jul 26, 2010 5:49 pm

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."



The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."
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TheCat
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:06 pm

Ewwwwwww

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The Professor

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 12:42 pm

TheCat wrote:
Hahahahaha

Cat, don't give up the day job.
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:03 pm

The Professor wrote:
TheCat wrote:
Hahahahaha

Cat, don't give up the day job.

Suspect

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:38 pm

no keep the day job, just get a night time one as well. Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:25 pm

can you make sandwiches at night
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:34 pm

I can make them with my eyes closed

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:44 pm

like your battenburgs then?
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:57 pm

No. My battenburgs can't make them with their eyes closed.

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Fri Aug 06, 2010 12:44 am

is that because they are sub standard battenburgs
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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:22 pm

Yes it's because they're wonky

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PostSubject: Re: Something to offend just about everyone   Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:40 pm

at least you try your best
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