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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: post your not so quickies here!   Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:14 pm

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"


The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're playing naked hide and seek with the kids
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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:18 pm

new cheese at West Ham United

Gone is Zola
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TheCat
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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:53 pm

Al Qaeda on Strike*




Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.




The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.




The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.




General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."




Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.




"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."




Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway".




Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.

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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Wed Mar 31, 2010 10:50 pm

Very Happy cheers
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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Wed Mar 31, 2010 10:56 pm

and Jesus said as he was nailed to the cross

"no fucker touch my Easter eggs, i'll be back on Monday
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Amulet

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Mon Apr 05, 2010 3:14 pm

Fucking terrorists. I told ya.
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The-duke66

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Tue Apr 06, 2010 9:10 am

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"Barack Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
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Dave Larkhall

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Wed Apr 07, 2010 9:27 am

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
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Dave Larkhall

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Wed Apr 07, 2010 9:29 am

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

Cool David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah G0D.
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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Thu Apr 08, 2010 9:48 pm

Very Happy ^
just had a chinese meal delivered, i asked
" how much do i owe" he said
twentee punds pleese
"i said
i'll ask you one question if you get it right,i will pay double, if you get it wrong i'll pay 50%"
okay he replied
" what is the name of Jordan and Dwight Yorkes son" iasked
"Harvey Price" He said
so i gave him a tenner!
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The-duke66

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:14 am

A new commanding officer is sent from England to take over an encamped brigade of infantry in North Africa. His second-in-command shows him around - this tent is the kitchen, that one's the washroom, etc. etc. - when the tour is complete, the new commander says, "But what about that tall tent at the end there?"
"Well, sir, many of the men haven't seen their wives or girlfriends for many a month so erm well, we keep a camel tied up in that tent."
"Disgusting!" replies the new commander, but he decides to take no action at this juncture...

A few weeks later, it's five a.m. and the new commander is sorely lacking the presence of his wife, so he thinks, sauce for the goose must be sauce for the gander and creeps out toward the tall tent at the end.

But things do not go entirely to plan, for when he tries to insert his member in the camel, its noises are loud enough to wake the entire camp. Before he can make his escape, the second-in-command and some of the men are already on the scene.

"Sir, what exactly are you doing with that camel?"
"Well, erm, you said that the men use this camel when they are missing their wives or girlfriends."
"Yes sir, but you see they use the camel to ride into the next village, where there are plenty of women."
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TheCat
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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Sun Jul 18, 2010 4:47 pm

Laughing

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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:30 am

never judge a man untill you have walked a mile in his shoes
you will then be a mile away,
you will have his shoes
and you can say what the f**k you like
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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:34 am

a man and wife decided to commit suicide, at the pub the next day the man told his friend
"after my wife took the poison and died things started to seem so much brighter"
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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:37 am

I have been busy at work lately and not had too much time at home ,so to make amends i bought
my Son an "I phone"
my eldest Daughter an "I Pad"
my youngest Daughter an "I Pod"
and for my lovely wife an "I Ron"
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The-duke66

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:54 pm

My stupid wife was trying to tell me about some deep hole in the ground with water in.

Bless her. But she means well.
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TheCat
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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:37 pm

Hahahaha you plonkers!

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gallega100

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:09 pm

hehehe!
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rugbyboy

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PostSubject: Re: post your not so quickies here!   Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:56 pm

i was thinking that we havent had a celebrity death for ages, then right on cue
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