If you can't stand the heat . . . . . .

If you can't stand the heat . . . . . .
 
HomeFAQRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Add Your Quickies

Go down 
Go to page : 1, 2  Next
AuthorMessage
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Add Your Quickies   Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:59 am

I'll be popping around to show you my new Toyota car later......
..I Won't be stopping though
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:55 am

I just got ajob making clown's shoe's........that no small feat
Back to top Go down
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:44 pm

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Back to top Go down
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:46 pm

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:34 pm

old saying
a woman is much like hoover, if it refuses to suck anymore ,its time to change the bag
Back to top Go down
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:40 pm

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Wed Feb 17, 2010 6:15 pm

Velcro.......What a Rip Off
Back to top Go down
Amulet

avatar

Posts : 833
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 45
Location : Glastonbury

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Sat Feb 20, 2010 6:46 pm

I notice that all the quickies are by men...
Back to top Go down
http://inksideout.webplus.net/index.html
TheCat
Admin
avatar

Posts : 1426
Join date : 2009-09-02
Location : Here

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Sat Feb 20, 2010 8:13 pm

Amulet wrote:
I notice that all the quickies are by men...

Hahahaha

_________________
DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
Back to top Go down
http://cantstandtheheat.forumotion.net
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:44 pm

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:48 pm

The-duke66 wrote:
Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing
Laughing Laughing Laughing
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:02 pm

My Doctor told me i should do something that makes me build up a sweat and make my heart race, for at least 20 minuets a day

so iv'e taken up shop lifting
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:33 pm

whats worse than having your shoe eaten by a shark

having a killer whale eat your trainer
Back to top Go down
TheCat
Admin
avatar

Posts : 1426
Join date : 2009-09-02
Location : Here

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:56 pm

Hahahaha

_________________
DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
Back to top Go down
http://cantstandtheheat.forumotion.net
Dave Larkhall

avatar

Posts : 840
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 76
Location : Larkhall Bath

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 08, 2010 3:38 pm

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
supposedly things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters..
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 08, 2010 7:05 pm

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 then 160 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "2 Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman
Back to top Go down
TheCat
Admin
avatar

Posts : 1426
Join date : 2009-09-02
Location : Here

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 08, 2010 9:14 pm

Hahahahaha

_________________
DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
Back to top Go down
http://cantstandtheheat.forumotion.net
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:17 pm

nice R.B. But not really a quickie Rolling Eyes
Back to top Go down
Dave Larkhall

avatar

Posts : 840
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 76
Location : Larkhall Bath

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:30 pm

Two rabbits sitting on a hill. One said to the other "shall we start a family? It won't take long, did it?"


That quick enough for you Duke?
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:08 pm

two gay cowboys
you up?
yep!
Back to top Go down
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:22 pm

Thats more like it guys! Laughing Laughing
Back to top Go down
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:28 pm

They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:55 pm

paddy take's his new shoes back to the shop saying they are too tight
"Try it with the tongue out sir"
"Nah der dill doo dight!
Back to top Go down
The-duke66

avatar

Posts : 830
Join date : 2009-09-02
Age : 52
Location : Daydream land

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:32 pm

Hands up if you like armed robbers.
Back to top Go down
rugbyboy

avatar

Posts : 433
Join date : 2009-09-03
Age : 60
Location : Kingston./.London

PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   Tue Apr 06, 2010 6:47 pm

while i was working in H.M.V.
a young herbert came in and asked me if we had anything by the Doors,
I said Yes, " security Guards and an alarm, so don't try and nick anything!
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Add Your Quickies   

Back to top Go down
 
Add Your Quickies
Back to top 
Page 1 of 2Go to page : 1, 2  Next

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
If you can't stand the heat . . . . . .  :: The Living Rooms :: The Playroom :: The Comedy Room-
Jump to: